Soap on a Rope
by Shameless Slasher
Summary: Snape is so sick of quidditch and the Marauders he decides to play a nasty prank on all the players, Slytherins and Gryffindors included. Its a pity it doesn't work out as planned. WARNING: SLASH shower scene! sssb ssjp
1. Vengeance Backfires

The final Quidditch match of the year was over. The Slytherins had won by a narrow margin following a few dodgy referee decisions, and a blatant and brutal broomstick foul by Avery, which had even made the commentator fly to the Gryffindors defence. And then the final whistle had gone and the stadium had erupted with a riot of screams, boos and hisses, and lots of conjured up rotting tomatoes, eggs and toilet rolls whizzing through the air.

But the Slytherins didn't care, they had beaten the Gryffindor's reign, and they left the sports field whooping and yelling carrying their heroic beaters on their shoulders.

All except for one – the skinny little Quidditch substitute with the greasy hair and the sullen look on his face. The Substitute that hardly ever got to play. Somehow his team had forgotten him. He dawdled behind, and the Gryffindor team were actually closing on him. They were almost in earshot.

Meanwhile, Sirius Black, and Remus Lupin ran from the stands to meet up with their Seeker friend, leaving stumpy little Peter gasping along behind.

"What the fuck happened there, Prongs?" exclaimed Sirius.

James made a sour face. "Fucking Slytherins happened."

Peter finally caught up. "Did you see Avery and that dive on Perks!" he gasped. "Went and shoved the end of his broomstick right up…"

"Yes thank you Peter, we saw, I think everyone did," cut in Remus loudly.

James scowled. "Yeah. Fucking bastard. Perks won't be out of the hospital wing for a week with that sort of broomstick injury."

"Outrageous, if you ask me," muttered Remus. "He should have been sent off."

"Expelled from Hogwarts more like!" growled Graham Silvers, the Gryffindor Goalie.

"No matter – we'll get him back for it, won't we guys?" shouted Sirius. "We'll get them all back, the slimy bastards!"

The Gryffindors all cheered aggressively.

The scrawny little Slytherin just ahead seemed to hesitate when he heard this, but carried on walking. Anyone watching would have said his expression darkened slightly, yet there was also a nasty little glint in his eye.

"Oh look who it is ahead…" hissed Black. "All on his tod…._again."_

James peered over the crowd and smirked as he sighted the green and silver coloured quarry. "Aw it's the weird little Greaseball. His teams abandoned him again, look."

Peter's eyes lit up. "We could get him in the changing rooms and do him in there!"

Remus pulled a face, but said nothing.

Sirius frowned. "You really are a pervy little bastard, aren't you Wormy?"

James raised his eyebrow. "Pervy, but he does have a point. His housemates won't be able to help him much in there…will they?"

Remus looked away, pretending he wasn't hearing this. _God knows what would happen if McGonagall heard aboutthis one._

Black's eyes shone mischievously as he met his friend's. A smirk grew on both their faces.

"The last to hex is a loser!"

James and Sirius whooped and yanked each others robes as they dodged to the front, desperate to get there first. Peter had tripped over somewhere behind, and Remus unsurprisingly was nowhere to be seen.

James aimed first. "Impedimenta!" Snape span round and dodged, but the hex just caught his right arm and he went down like a sack of very skinny potatoes.

The Gryffindor team let out a hearty cheer. Sirius was the next to point his want at Snape's livid face as he struggled to get up.

"Petrificus totalus!"

Snape was frozen mid sneer. Careful not to be seen by the teaching staff, the Gryffindor team then circled the frozen body and hoisted him upright. Someone conjured a big tomato and squished it over Snape's head. The team laughed again.

"To the changing rooms!"

Completely frozen and unable to move, Snape could only curse and swear voicelessly, and watch in increasing horror as the changing rooms grew nearer and nearer. He would have been yelling out loud by now if he could.

This wasn't supposed to happen. He wasn't planning to even go in the Slytherin changing rooms today. _Especially with his carefully planned revenge attack on the Quidditch Players already in place. _

A certain Potion vengefully slipped into both changing rooms' shower plumbing systems…

A certain potion that had been banned in Hogwarts since 1933, due to its… _potency._

Snape felt a horrible tingle run down his back as the team began to boisterously squash through the changing room door. As far as Snape knew – no Slytherin had stepped foot over this threshold before.

Snape cursed silently again as they propped him up just inside the doorway. His heart thudded away with terror as he heard the first of the showers switch on.

The Gryffindors began to whip their Quidditch robes off, laughing and joking, having no idea that what they were going to become part of would probably end up being dubbed the most infamous prank in Hogwart's history.

_Oh Gods_, thought Snape desperately praying that no one would dream of getting him too near the showers…

Just then a grinning boy's face completely obscured his vision, and his worst nightmare was answered.

"Ah, there you are Snively…" said Black coolly, dangling his Soap on a Rope in front of the Slytherin's face.

"You look a little bit…greasy... _Fancy a shower…?"_


	2. Love and Loofahs

_Meanwhile, in the Slytherin changing rooms…_

Half the team was already in the showers, the steam was rising and celebrations were getting rather boisterous. The buzz of the win was even getting to the usually sullen Warren Beezley (Or Beater Beezley, as he was known) who was sneaking around holding a wet towel, whipping it across the backs of legs, and grinning like a loon when someone squealed.

Just then, John Wilkes barreled round the corner, with a whooping Tiberius Yaxley on his back. Wilkes did a loop of the room and then aimed for the shower walkway.

"Coming through!" he bellowed.

"Agh watch what you-"

"Shit!"

"Hey!"

"OW!"

He managed to barge past three people and tread on little Regulus Black's toe before the water and steam totally blinded him and he trod on someone's loofah. There was a loud Yaarrgh, lots of squeaky skidding noises - and then a big, solid thunk.

The changing room fell silent except for the sound of the running showers, and everyone ran to see what had happened. Wilkes groaned – his head spun.

"Aw …fuck."

He tried to get up, but the weight of Yaxley was pinning him down. "Gerroff me will you Tibe!"

"_Tibe…?"_

The weight on his back was suddenly lifted. He turned over and went to sit up before he noticed everyone was standing around staring at him.

"Well, give us a hand then, someone," growled Wilkes.

Regulus snickered at what was obviously a private joke. Wilkes stared back at him angrily, until he noticed what gorgeously long dark eyelashes the boy had. _What svelte cheekbones_… His face softened.

Yaxley whacked him round the back of the head with the loofah and whined. "But he's mine first!"

"Let me have him after you!" growled Beezley suddenly.

"Since when do Slytherins ever share?" exclaimed Yaxley. "I've loved him bloody longer than you have!"

"Like fuck you have!"

"I have! Since…since…_forever!"_

"Try forever plus infinity!"

"Want me to hex you?"

"Go right ahead dungball! It won't change anything!"

There was a splashy whump, and a sudden sound of smooching. Yaxley and Beezley stopped rowing and glanced around horrorstruck to see someone had already beaten them to it.

_Goyle._

There he was, snogging the hell out of the dark-haired boy with the long eyelashes. Regulus had been looking at him one moment, and then the next they had fallen backwards into the showers and were rolling around spashing, moaning and kissing as passionately as if the world would end tomorrow.

"Hey..no fair Regulus…" whined Yaxley hungrily. "I'm far better looking than he is!"

Suddenly Yaxley yelped as someone grabbed him from behind with some rather strong fingers. He found himself unexpectedly shivering with pleasure under their touch.

"_I know you are_," breathed Beater Beezley into his ear. "Your gorgeous sandy hair is as golden as a tropical island beach, your eyes are the mysterious colour of molten mercury…and your squeal is like a siren's song…"

Yaxley frowned. "Squeal? _What do you_-"

There was swoosh, and then a loud wet slapping sound. Yaxley let out a shrill squeal and jumped about a foot in the air.

Beezley grinned like a loon.

* * *

If he could, Snape would have scowled and spat at Sirius Black when the boy so cheekily dangled his bit of Soap on a Rope in front of him. And he would have certainly punched him when the boy suddenly upended him and dragged him undignified into the showers – feet first and in his greying excuse for underwear, his head thunking along the floor tiles. 

"God Snivellus, did you know you have some really manky looking toenails – growing like something out of Sprouts' greenhouse. I think I'm going to have to boil my hands in a cauldron after this!" grimaced Sirius.

"Boil his head in a cauldron, more like" smirked James. "Do you reckon all that grease might block the drains?"

"We could always use Fairy Liquid…" sniggered Graham. "House colours too!"

The other Muggleborns and Half bloods in the room guffawed.

Sirius propped Snape up under the end shower, in full view of the other showers. Snape's eye's boggled as James Potter jumped in after them, completely stark naked and wielding a large bottle of shampoo. He came up close, smirked and squeezed most of the bottle over the Slytherin's head. Sirius let out a loud whoop of laughter, grabbed hold of a backbrush and scrubbed the top of Snape's head with it. Snape's eyes almost bulged out of his head at this, and the sight made James bend over almost crying with mirth. The water running over his back and dribbling off his chin.

Sirius gave a crazy grin and began to slowly stroke the end of Snape's nose with the brush. James bent double again. The changing rooms erupted with laughter.

"Padfoot….don't!" Crowed James clutching at his side. "Padfoot…Merlin…stop! Stitch…oh god..._you're…killing me!_ "

James's continued to laugh, and it was a few seconds until he noticed he was the only one doing so. He tailed off and squinted up at the changing room. No one was making a sound anymore – instead they were just staring…_staring at –_

James glanced back across at the end shower and froze.

There, in the corner, one dark haired boy, showerbrush in hand stood motionless with his face just inches apart from another dark-haired boy. His eyes were closed as if he was under some sort of trance…slowly, his hand moved to gently trace down the frozen boy's side...

James's jaw dropped as he watched his friend's face relax into a dreamy smile.

"_PADFOOT!"_


	3. Wet'n'Wild

Severus Snape had been spitting furious and just a little bit scared when Black had dragged him into the showers. He was still riled about Potter's Lily of the Valley scented shampoo and especially, especially, being scrubbed on the head and laughed at like some sort of ridiculous house pet. The shampoo had run in his eyes stinging and blinding him, the bubbles were still crackling in his ears, and all he could smell was the overpowering stench of Lily of the Valley, and then –

Snape felt a light tickle down his side, and most of the laughter suddenly hushed. All he could hear was Potter pissing himself laughing, and water pouring from the showers, nothing else.

_What the fuck was going on?_

The tickle returned. Snape felt a tingle go up his spine. It scared him, yet it also felt rather_…nice._

Potter's laugh died away, he yelled his friend's name, and Snape felt something touch him on the lips. _Bloody Hell…was that a tongue…? _He squinted through the pouring water and saw a face close to his.

And then with a sudden lunge Black took his bottom lip in his teeth. Snape could feel Black's breath on his cheek, hear his shudders of desire, feel his warm hands slide over his wet body.

As Black pressed his body against his, the Slytherin felt hot fire lick at his insides, and also a kind of terrible, twisted satisfaction that Potter's best friend was kissing him, and that Potter was jealous. The showers roared.

_If only someone would unpetrify him…!_

* * *

James was too shocked to speak – all he could do was gawp like a fish, and…well…gawp like a fish. He took a step back and felt someone gently stroke the back of his head. James jolted with horror and span round. 

"_What the…!"_

The boy smiled bashfully up at him. "Do you know how many years I've wanted to touch your hair? To see how spiky it is?" he giggled like a schoolgirl with her first crush. "And now I have – Tee hee!"

"Spiky? It's wet at the moment, Wormtail – it's plastered flat to my skull!" Snapped James.

Peter giggled mischievously, his little eyes agleam. "So what? _Wet and wild's even better_…"

James stared aghast at his little friend and felt a sudden inexplicable flame of desire. _Dear Merlin…did he just get aroused by Wormtail's laugh?_

And then…with a certain thrill of dread and excitement he felt Peter's eyes travelling down his naked body, and pausing halfway…

* * *

While Goyle and Black were quite happy with wet passionate kissing in the showers, Wilkes was busy beating his broomstick, and a heavily panting Beezley was just one thrust away from deflowering a very red-legged Yaxley over one of the changing room benches. 

"Mmmmm…hmm…"

"Ah..!"

"oh…!"

"Oh yes…oh yes…!"

"_OH YES_!"

"WHAT…IN THE SACRED NAME OF SALAZAR!"

Slytherin's Quidditch captain, Maximus Montgomery-Threepgood – a tall, blue eyed, aristocratic teenager who never showered in the changing rooms because he was petrified of getting a verucca - stood frozen in the doorway, a fluffy white towel round his neck and a look of pure horror on his face. His eyes scanned the scene once again. Black was with…was with… Maximus felt himself gag. _This had to be the work of a potion or charm!_

He charged into the room and pushed Beezley to the floor, stupefying him. Yaxley gave a needy moan.

"Who did this to you?" he demanded.

Yaxley moaned and rolled over, breathing huskily. "Oh, _my savior_, oh. Finish me off, Max, please Maximus, you're so posh and unbelievably sexy! Please…."

Montgomery-Threepgood turned to the boy in the corner and barked at him. "Wilkes, stop polishing your broomstick and get yourself over here - immediately!"

Wilkes didn't even twitch a muscle; apart from the one he was holding, of course.

"Goyle! BLACK!"

Montgomery-Threepgood snarled in frustration when everyone continued to ignore him. _This had to be the work of the Gryffindors. It had their foolish audacity written all over it._

In desperation, he jumped up onto one of the benches and raised his voice in a bid to get over all the passionate moans, grunts and wet smacking noises.

"Now listen up, team!" He bellowed. "I think it's a jolly good chance you have all been rumbled by a fiendish plot in revenge for us winning; a love potion most likely – and I'll bet ten Galleons those darn rotten Gryffindors have a hand in it!"

The moaning and smacking stopped and five heads snapped round.

"_The Gryffindors?_" growled Beezley, a hint of interest in his voice.

"Precisely! Exactly!" exclaimed the Quidditch team Captain, jumping down from the bench and storming to the door. "And do you know what, I'm in a bloody good mind to go right over there now and give those scoundrels a jolly good piece of my wand!"

Merely ten seconds later, and rather dizzy from being squashed against the wall by five sex-mad teammates, Maxiumus Montgomery-Threepgood desperately chased after his team, bitterly regretting his unfortunate choice of words.

* * *

Several flashes of fast-moving white near the castle caught a certain half-giant's attention. He turned and squinted from where he was standing on his vegetable patch, raising his bushy eyebrows as he finally realised that they were actually totally naked students, one jumping and whooping madly and whirling a green and silver striped towel over his head. 

"Streakin' after a match? Bloomin' outrageous if yer ask me, wha's the school comin' to, I don' know…" he grumbled to himself, pulling up one of his prize turnips.

* * *

Kissing Wormtail, as Sirius had always joked when he'd been out of earshot, would probably be about as sexually arousing as kissing a farting beaver's backside. James had agreed. (He'd never kissed beaver's arse before, of course, just a black dog's accidentally at a party once, and that had been embarrassing) 

_And how right Sirius was,_ thought James dryly. Peter had the most horrible pizza breath, which was probably enough to knock a blast-ended skrewt out. And then there was that scratty patch of whiskerish bumfluff…

James rubbed his itchy top lip in irritation. This was why after only thirty seconds of kissing, he had set the boy to work on his trouser area. And even there the boy wasn't managing much, his grip was useless.

_No bloody wonder Wormtail was crap at riding broomsticks._

Just as he was contemplating Wormtail having a go with his mouth instead, there was a sudden patter and mad scramble of feet. James glanced round to see a crowd of naked, wet, flushed and panting Slytherins watching hungrily from the doorway. Wormtail gave an excited girly squeal and ran back into the shower as a crooning Wilkes advanced on him, loofah in hand.

Graham Silvers cocked his eyebrow as the Slytherin Chaser's eyes darted his way and locked on. Graham took in the leanness of the teenage boy, his angular shoulders, his more than ample trouser area... "You can catch my Snitch any time, Yaxley," he purred.

Beesley lost no time in prowling toward James Potter, muscles rippling, wet towel held at the ready, his voice dropping to a seductive growl. "What do you use on your hair to make it so sexy, you four-eyed bastard?"

James smirked sweetly, his eyes roving. "Why, do you want a piece of me Beesley?"

A hungry grin spread across the kinky Slytherin's lips. "You could say that…But…before I do_, have I ever told you, Potter, how your hair is as darkly sensual as a midnight broom ride, how your lips…"_

* * *

XD  
Hi everyone - I think there's going to be about 2 more chapters of this fic. Please review - or just say hi -it lets me know all you cool ppl are out there! Thanks so much! 


	4. Snack Attack

It could be said that Montgomery-Threepgood was having a bit of a panic. He had just returned from the Dungeons for celebrations to find his entire Quidditch team had been affected by some sort of love potion, and who at one careless sentence from him had gone rushing off naked into Hogwarts grounds, presumably because they thought they fancied a bit of arrogant pig-headed Gryffindor cock.

Once he had found his bearings again after having his head knocked against the wall, he turned and barrelled after his team, partly helped by the trail of soapy bubbles they had left behind.

His worst fears were soon confirmed – they were indeed going around the block toward the Gryffindor shower rooms… Montgomery-Threepgood put on a burst of speed - they would surely be hexed to smithereens!

He turned the corner and near skidded into the entrance of the changing rooms, out of breath and flustered, to be greeted by the visual of Beezley sticking his tongue right down James Potter's throat, and his hand right down…well…right down where his underpants would be - _if he were wearing any underpants._ And what was worse in Threepgood's opinion – Potter looked ecstatic about it.

_Oh by Salazar's Memory – not the Gyffindors too…_

This had to be the Ravenclaws' doing.

Just then a sudden movement to the right caught Montgomery-Threepgood's attention, and it caused his eyes to snap wide open with shock.

"Tiberius Yaxley! I…I…P-Put that boy down at once!"

There was a hoarse groan, and Yaxley frowned and wiped the dribble from his mouth. "Aw…Max…stop spoiling my bloody fun! I wouldn't have had to do this if you hadn't refused me, you know…and this is no boy – it's Pettigrew – he's just a bit short for his age, you know?"

The short-for-his-age teenager aimed a sweet watery-eyed grin at the Slytherin Team Captain

Maximus made a series of garbled spluttering noises, but was then distracted by a rather loud and excited groan coming from the showers. He turned, slowly, a look of dread upon his face.

Regulus Black's brother…and…a long-haired girl…? _Who in carnation was that?_ He couldn't quite make them out behind the wall of water…but they were standing very stiffly indeed.

Then Sirius Black moved closer again, his hand groping down low, his head tilting to the side for a moment as he kissed the girl, and for a brief moment the water flow was redirected and a snapshot of the other's face was revealed to him. Maximus froze with shock.

No girl…_Oh…Merlin…he had just been wondering where their team Sub had got to…_

His fist clenched. _This was just too much! _With a low growl Maximus strode forward, drew his wand and sent a hex straight at the offending Gryffindor. It hit Black on the forearm and he flew backwards with a yelp onto the floor. Maximus took this opportunity to send an unfreezing charm in Snape's direction, and had another one ready to tackle Black if he flew at him.

But he didn't. In fact Black didn't appear to mind he'd been hexed at all…he was still too transfixed by…

"Severus Snape – move yourself out of the showers at once!" Barked Mongomery-Threepgood.

No response.

"Snape!"

Severus Snape took a step forward, but it wasn't in his Team Captain's direction.

A dry leer spread across Snape's face. "Tell me Black, seeing as you have the lovemaking skill of an animal, I was wondering if your dear friend Lupin has been teaching you anything on those moonlit nights down in the grounds? "

"Funny that," growled back Sirius, his eyes never leaving the other boy's face for a moment. "I was going to ask you the same sort of question about you, Lucius, and those stains on the Potions desks…"

The sneer grew on Snape's face. "I had no idea you were so interested in stains, Black," he purred. "It's a great pity I haven't got my wand to hand, or else I could have taught you a bit more about them…"

Black was getting slightly flushed. "Animals and stains, eh?" he growled back. "You filthy-minded little bastard…"

Snape smirked. "Indeed I am. Better than being an arrogant, pig-headed Slytherin cast-off."

"Well," snorted Black. "That's better anyday than being a greasy, hook-nosed scummy little perv!"

"Do you really think so; Bubotuber-for-Brains Black?"

"Yes I do! Wankstain!"

"Dunderhead!"

"Arsewipe!"

"_Prick!"_

Montgomery-Threepgood watched the verbal sparring contest with a gawping mouth. Should he interfere and risk having the boy's attentions transferred to him, or…?

There was a thud and a loud OOF! And Sirius Black suddenly found himself sprawled on the shower floor with a dripping wet male body on top of him. The two boys looked at each other sneering ferally, before Black got hold of Snape's hair and dragged him down into a rough man-kiss.

Montgomery Threepgood was not the fainting sort, but he could swear he felt a slight light-headedness coming on…

* * *

A/N: Sorry about the delay guys, been on holiday! Thanks loads for the reviews! There will be about 1 or 2 chapters more - please review or leave comments - it'll only encourage me more! ;o) 


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